Mr. Carter writes occasionally for ESPN, and I stumbled across one of his columns yesterday, which can be found in full here. I had never read anything written by Dwayne before, so I decided to take a look, thinking that at the very least, it would be good for a laugh or two.
I have never been more right about anything in my life. I decided that this needed to be shared, and that as your guide, I should make pithy remarks about it, because I am a better writer than he is. Also, I'm jealous that he gets to write for ESPN just because he's good at using a vocoder and appearing on the albums of superior rappers while using a vocoder. Seriously, the man is addicted to the vocoder.
Anyway, if you like, read the whole thing before experiencing my fury. If not, then here we go.
The article starts out strong, with the headline "LIL WAYNE'S BLOG: ARIZONA IS GONNA STOMP THE STEELERS HEARTS." I'm really not entirely certain why there's no apostrophe in "STEELERS" aside from the possibility that Dwayne didn't know where to put it, so he just left it to the editors. Bad idea: everyone knows editors hate rappers and want them to look foolish. Anyway: on to the body.
When my tour comes through a city, a lot of times athletes will call me up or have their managers get in touch with my management and come by and say what's up. JaMarcus Russell and Darren McFadden came by in Oakland, and LeBron, Daniel (Boobie) Gibson and Ocho Cinco came to the Cleveland show. James Posey also turned up at one, too. Oh, and I met Gibril Wilson at the Oakland show, too. I introduced myself to him and he was like, "I know who you are: you rented my condo in Atlanta!" We'd never met before, so that was cool. I'd seen pictures of him in drawers in the kitchen, so I put it together.I don't know what this has to do with anything. It's totally unrelated to anything that Mr. Carter could possibly say that would interest me at all (which is a small sample to begin with). It's basically just a paragraph of name-dropping that's wholly dissociated from the rest of the content. And if there's one thing I love, it's name-dropping by a famous person. All that I've learned is that Gibril Wilson leaves his shit all over the place and that athletes like bad rap music.
As you guys know, I picked the Ravens to win the Super Bowl a few months ago, and I'm not happy they lost. I did not like that game. They were so banged up and they just looked tired.Dwayne is overrating his number of return readers, I think. I highly doubt that anyone devoted to reading Lil Wayne's blog on a regular basis is capable of remembering a fact like that for more than a month at a time. He also seems to think that the Ravens lost because they were banged up. I like to look at empirical evidence at times like this.
Steelers 23-20 Ravens
Steelers 13-9 Ravens
Steelers 23-14 Ravens
Those are the scores of the three games the Steelers and Ravens played this year. I think maybe it's possible that the Steelers are just a better team than the Ravens.
So now I'm gonna have to go with the Cardinals. When the playoffs started, I had 'em going to the NFC championship game and losing, but I'm still pretty happy they're gonna be in the Super Bowl. They've got a tough challenge ahead of 'em going up against the Steelers, but I'm gonna go ahead and pick them to win the Super Bowl.Clearly Dwayne has a vendetta against the Steelers. But I'm eager to hear the reasoning behind his pick. What say you, Mr. Carter?
Why? I like Kurt Warner. Remember him with the Rams in the Super Bowl ten years ago? Yeah. He's back. And he's got a whole new offense to work with. The Steelers were able to stop Joe Flacco, but, with all due respect to my man Joe Flacco, Kurt Warner is not a rookie quarterback.I don't understand why having a totally different offense would be a positive, or at the very least how it would justify comparing Kurt Warner of 1999 to Kurt Warner of 2009. I mean, his wife's totally different, why would he stay the same? Also, saying that Kurt Warner is not a rookie is the understatement of the century. For God's sake, he's the same age as Ken Dilger.
I like Larry Fitzgerald a lot. He's not the best receiver in the NFL—that would be Steve Smith or Terrell Owens—but he's the best receiver in the Super Bowl. And if Warner has any time to throw to him, it's over.Terrell Owens? Really? The Cowboys almost released him. Dwayne is insane in the brain. Hey, I could be a rapper too!
I'm taking the Cardinals by 14 to 17 points. A lot of people will think that's crazy, but you gotta understand the Cardinals have all the motivation right now. Nobody expects them to be there, so they're out there trying to prove something. That's the best situation to be in, period. That's the way all the most successful people on the planet motivate themselves.If he says "gotta" or "gonna" one more time, I'm going to scream. And there is nothing I am more tired of than the "nobody respects us" claim. It's stupid. Any team that's able to make the championship of its sport has earned respect. Hell, even last year I was convinced the Giants were going to win. Oh, and in case you weren't aware, Dwayne has met and evaluated every successful person on the planet. Honestly, I doubt that Tiger Woods thinks he has anything left to prove. He's just a badass.
So yeah, Arizona is gonna stomp their hearts and Kurt Warner is going to win the Super Bowl MVP, go into the Hall of Fame and become an excellent commentator for ESPN in a few years.First of all, AHHHHHHHHHH! Second, none of these things will happen. Least of all the last one, since I don't think Warner is actually capable of uttering a sentence that doesn't include the words "Jesus," "God," or "Screw Vinatieri." Also, I'm pretty sure that the Pro Football Hall of Fame has a "no NFL Europe players" rule.
Next Dwayne branches out into coverage of the rest of the NFL. Sort of. Really he just talks about players I hate.
Did you see Ray Lewis might go to the Jets? If Brett Favre stays and Ray Lewis joins that team, that will be my most favorite team in all of history.And I will jump off a bridge. By the way, I don't think "most favorite" means anything. You can pretty much just say favorite, since it means "most liked." He might as well call them his most favoritest team FOR EVER AND EVER!
Side Note: I got the word from my man Chris Johnson. He's rehabbing his ankle and he's going to be ready for the Pro Bowl.They still do the Pro Bowl? And why would anyone ever rehab for it? The Pro Bowl is something that you get hurt to avoid, not something that you work hard to get to play in.
I see [Kobe Bryant] was talking about how he'd go play left field for the Dodgers and hit third if Manny Ramirez didn't re-sign, and I wouldn't put it past him...I would like to see Kobe try another sport in his spare time, just like MJ.Michael Jordan's baseball statistics: .202 BA, 3 home runs, 51 RBI in 127 games in AA ball. So yeah, Kobe could probably do about as well as MJ. And I doubt that he'd be able to outplay even Juan Pierre.
What if he can throw a curveball or something? Can you imagine that?I can throw a curveball. It's not that hard. Once again, Mr. Carter's sports acumen shines.
If the Dodgers are smart, they'll re-sign Manny. I'm not really sure what's taking so long.That's because you know nothing about sports, Dwayne. If you had any idea what was going on, you'd know that other teams are scared off by Manny's tank job at the end of his time with the Red Sox, and the Dodgers don't want to sign him for a low dollar amount because then he would be unhappy, and thus history would repeat itself (i.e. the tank job at the end of his time with the Red Sox). That's what's taking so long. Glad to see you're willing to extend your blog to the realm of "things you haven't the faintest clue about," though.
I got to see Chris Paul the other day. He came to my show in New Orleans and then he came to cut the ribbon on this new basketball court I built for the community, where a bunch of trailers used to be.My two favorite celebrity acts: name dropping of other famous people, and name dropping of one's own charitable work. Absolutely thrilling. Next thing we know, he's going to get married to another famous person and merge his name with hers. I can't wait for Wayniffer or Wayngelina or some such atrocity.
The Masters are coming up and Tiger is gonna dominate. He's had his time off, and he's gonna come back so crazy and win the Masters by four strokes at least. There's no way he's gonna come back and suck.Because who's ever come back from knee surgery and suffered a decline in performance? Besides, nobody even knows when he's coming back. For all we know, he won't play until the friggin' PGA Championship, and he'll be worse than Michelle Wie.
He says he hasn't been playing, but I think he's lying. I think he sits there in his crib on his Nintendo Wii, working on his form.You have got to be kidding me. He doesn't really think that playing Wii Sports is comparable to playing real sports. He can't actually think there's a correlation, can he?
I'm not that good on the Wii so I don't like to play it. But can you imagine Tiger Woods on that thing? That would be ridiculous.Good God.
Hopefully everyone didn't lost as many brain cells from reading that as I did. I'm moderately afraid now that I may fail out of school from spending so long with this post. Please, Dwayne, either give your blog over to someone who can actually write in English and has something to say (like, say...me), or just quit, before you reduce the youth of America to mouth-breathing morons. Because you just sound like Jackie Harvey.
But seriously, T.I. is so much better than this clown.
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8 comments:
TI FTW.
Also, wow, that was like my most favoritest posteses in the historiesies of American literaturen.
This was pure gold. Of course my interest in sports is low, and my knowledge lower, but anything that brings Lil Wayne down a peg is grade A in my book.
I would, however, like to drop a bit of knowledge from my realm of audio on you (which has absolutely no bearing on your sports analysis). It's a wide misconception that "artists" like Lil Wayne, Kanye, T-Pain, etc. use a vocoder to achieve their robotic voices. It's actually a piece of hardware (or software depending on the implementation) put out by a company called Antares: Auto-Tune. A great explanation can be found here (5th post). http://www.gearslutz.com/board/music-computers/327606-t-pain-effect.html
Really? Damn, I even looked on the Internets to see if that was what it was to try to avoid looking like an ass. Oh well.
Thanks for setting me straight; I may change the post to better reflect reality later on. haha.
Oh, and I'm glad to hear people like it. Thanks for the props.
From Tha Carter III:
"We smoke that kush,
and we ball like swoosh"
maybe Tha Carter IV will include:
"Watch our teams get owned,
then we blog while stoned."
LMAAAAOOO!
like you spent this much time doin an analysis on someones typing skills... ur the sad one!
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